How Can I Safely Visit My Mother In Law Who Is Dying...
My mother in law is dying of cancer, given 4-6 weeks. She is a smoker, there are 4 family members who live at her house, all smoke. It’s as bad as a bar. She is planning on dying at home and wants to see her Grandson, my son Ty. I am 7 months pregnant, and can’t stand to be around smoke.
They don’t stop smoking when he comes over. Last week, my husband took him and they both came home smelling awful. My son was congested that night and for two days after. My husband hates it too, but feels we are being out of bounds right now asking her to stop her one enjoyment when we visit.
I was told it’s pretty ballsy of me to even consier asking them to stop smoking in their house when we come over (by family members). I don’t want to offend her or cause a rip in the family right before she dies.
Should I just stick it out the next 6 weeks so Ty can spend time with his grandma before she dies?
12 Responses to “How Can I Safely Visit My Mother In Law Who Is Dying But Refuses To Stop Smoking Around Me And My Two Year Old”
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June 12th, 2009 at 4:16 am
I understand your concern about Ty, and the unborn, I would be too if I were you. Since grandma’s on a limited time, try your best to ignore this otherwise awful habit. It’s too late to make her understand. On the bright side Ty will get the bestest example not to smoke! I pray that grandma somehow comes to senses, and she feels well.
June 12th, 2009 at 5:31 am
she’s dying – lighten up – soon there will be no grandma
June 12th, 2009 at 7:29 am
well if you have told her you dont like the smoke…she should atleast grant you that one wish to not smoke for atleast an hour is she can do that..hopefully she would like to see her own grandchild before she passes. if she doesnt then she doesnt seem to care about anything really. or take some pics of her without a cig in hand so ur son can see what she looked like before she passed. goodluck.
June 12th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Just leave her presence when she lites up! Pretty simple.
June 12th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I agree with them that you don’t have a right to ask them to change their behaviors in their own home.
I think your son has a right to see his grandmother before she passes and it would not kill you to put up with the smoke for a few weeks in order for your son to have some memories of his grandma.
June 12th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
you definately should not take your son to see her, if she really cared, she would have stopped smoking for his benefit months/years ago. tell her you dont want your son to remember her the way she is now. i stopped my parents from seeing my kids until they quit it was the hardest thing i did, but now they both have given up and are going to enjoy a long life seeing their grandkids grow up. dont back down your health and that of your kids is more important than some ***** who is going to die anyway!!!!!
June 12th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Just say Im sorry Since Im pregnant the smell of any cigarette smoke makes me feel nauseous. Excuse me for a moment, and then walkk out with your son.
June 12th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
My grandparents are the same way. My grandma says its her house and “Fresh Air Freaks” can go outside. They just moved to a new house and so now we have holidays and stuff over there instead of my aunts. I told my grandma that I couldnt come over there when I was pregnant and after I had the baby I told them I couldnt come over there unless they aired it out, otherwise they could come outside to see the baby. My grandma now limits smoking to the tv room when I am coming over, and she opens all windows and doors before I come over, and they stay open while I am there. My 6 year old has the same problem as your son, when he is around smoke he gets congested and before he got tubes in his ears he would get an ear infection. I just told them they had a choice, air out the house and dont smoke by us for an hour, or we dont come over. I suppose that if she is dying and just refuses to do it then visiting once in awhile wont harm your son or the baby in your belly. As long as it isnt a long time thing. If she refuses just limit your visits, or tell her that the doctor said that your son is allergic to smoke and he can not be around it at all. Maybe then she will not smoke while you are there. Its hard when people smoke their house up like its a chiminey and you have to come over. I would leave their house and not be able to breath very well for a few days, and just running in the house and picking up some thing from my grandma, which took 2 minutes max, left my 7 week old smelling like smoke. Its so gross! I hope you can figure some thing out!
June 13th, 2009 at 4:28 am
I am a smoker myself, yet I agree that she should have the courtesy to respect your wishes and the health or you and your family. She is well aware of the harm that smoking causes (as we all are) and should be considerate enough to not inflict it on anyone else. I do not smoke in my house now, because of my children, but I used too before they were born. But I always took it outside when I had company that was bothered by it or if children were present. I did not feel offended or put out by it. It’s not a big sacrifice to be able to spend time with your loved ones. Call her before you come over & politely ask if she can refrain from smoking just while in the presence of you and your child. If she refuses and it affects your son to that extreme after being there, I would not go anymore. It’s her fault not yours. Your son and his health are more important. It’s not too much to ask of her to go without a smoke for an hour or 2. Good luck!
June 13th, 2009 at 11:11 am
well visit her for only 5 minutes that would not hurt
June 13th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
You both are right, the best is to come to an agreement so you can enjoy your last weeks together as a family
June 13th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I think the best thing you can do is try to tell them that its dangerous for you and your son to be around the smoke for health reasons, but on a deathbed, people can usually care less about the health of others. Stick it out if you can, but dont do anything to put you and yours at risk healthwise